Performance Training

Chanhassen Dinner Theatres is thrilled to offer the popular theatre PERFORMANCE TRAINING classes. Michelle Barber, director of First Act Theatre Camp for Kids, launched this training for people serious about going into the theatre business, wanting to hone existing theatre skills or audition techniques or even for the business professional looking to be less shy in public speaking situations.

Students should know Performance Training is designed for truly serious students as opposed to our First Act Camp, which is geared toward kids looking for a fun summertime theatre camp experience. Training classes will include songs and scene work from Musical Theatre, Pop, and Opera. Dance techniques will be included. Students will also work through the theatre audition process.

See what participants are saying...

"[This class] helped me make a resume and prepare an audition song."

"It has given me A LOT more self confidence."

"[Performance Training] challenged me to move beyond my phobias."

"This class has given me more insight as to how to develop a character."
Upcoming Session Date

• NEXT SESSION: To be announced
• DAYS: Mondays
• TIME: 7pm to 9pm

General Information:

• All sessions are 8 weeks long


• Created by Michelle Barber and Heidi Spesard-Noble
• All sessions include dance, voice, and audition techniques
• Cost: $400 per student (for entire 8 week session, one class each week)
• Ages: offered for ages 13 to adult
• All experience levels welcome
• The box office WILL accept CDT gift certificates as payment toward the training
• Most necessary materials will be supplied in class
• No refunds or makeup lessons
• No discount or scholarship programs

Appropriate Dress: Come prepared to work at your first class!

• Wear rehearsal clothing and jazz or tennis shoes
• No shorts, please (we may do floor work and long pants will protect your legs and enable you to move freely on the floor)
• Wear black, split-sole jazz shoes, and black flat tap shoes
• No baggy t-shirts, no jeans - hair off the face - no jewelry
• Dress in layers as you may want to remove some of the layers as you warm-up
• Bring a water bottle

Where to go: Park in the upper lot. Come in the front doors of the theatre and follow signs to The Banquet Rooms on the lower level of the theatre.

To Register

To register or receive more information, call the BOX OFFICE at 952-934-1525 or 800-362-3515

JOURNAL... experience CDT Performance Training first-hand!

A student in our Performance Training class shares her experiences with you! Read along through her struggles and triumphs... and see what she's doing TODAY!

Feb. 25, 2008: Hi all! My name is Paula* and I will be taking Chanhassen Dinner Theaters' Performance Training class. Because I am a writer by nature, I’ve decided to journal my experience. CDT has decided there might be interest in learning more about the Performance Training experience, so we’ve joined forces to create this journal. Hope you enjoy it! First, some background information. I am a 45 year old woman, born and raised in Shreveport, Louisiana and transplanted to the Twin Cities (via college in Missouri and various jobs in Florida and Virginia). I’m married to an Episcopal priest, with a wonderful 13 year old daughter. I have worked in some form of the pet industry (including horses and retail pet) for 30 years. I am currently in the early stages of discerning whether or not I am called to become an Episcopal priest. (This is actually my 3rd time through the process.) I have a variety of chronic medical conditions, including Fibromyalgia and environmental allergies that, until recently, have severely limited my energy and ability to be active. Most of them are finally somewhat under control, and I’m starting to slowly challenge myself and my body to see what I can and can’t get away with. So why in the heck am 'I' taking Performance Training? In short, to challenge myself, and to find some answers. The full story takes a little more telling. In high school, I was very active in theater. It seemed that no matter what role I auditioned for, I was given female lead. (I was even offered the part of Hamlet once – long story.) I had no fear on stage, and loved every minute of it – even tech rehearsals. I was told by a Broadway performer, a guest teacher at a theater camp, that I had enough talent to “write my own ticket” on Broadway or in Hollywood, if I just had enough drive to back it. I didn’t have that drive. At the time, I was already convinced that I had a calling to the Episcopal priesthood and didn’t see how theater could fit. I declined her offer, and went my merry way to college. Since then, I have dabbled a little here and there, performing in an amateur musical written and produced by a friend at my church, helping stage, costume and direct a play my daughter’s first grade class wrote, filling in as a guest director for another friend at a local high school, things like that. I even put together and led a small acting troupe at my church, doing dramatizations of the readings and actually re-writing a few services. I was director, producer, writer, and actress, and quickly found myself a bit overwhelmed. I stayed completely out of theater for many years. And then came Lilly* - my wonderful, smart, and rather talented daughter. (Nah, no parental pride here!) She’s never met a stage she didn’t love. She also loves to sing. Any singing, any time. I can remember being like that, once in my life. But, over time, I somehow managed to develop a phobia of singing in public. I can get up and talk in front of almost any group of people on almost any subject, with nothing worse than just enough nerves to give the talk umph and sparkle. But ask me to sing, and you’d better have a mop and bucket, because I’m going to be a puddle on the floor. Along with Lilly's love of singing came a love of performing. Now, I’ve always had an issue with those parents who force their children into something just so they can live or re-live their own dreams. So I was always very cautious of pushing Lil into theater. But it seemed I didn’t need to be so careful. She dove into it head first every chance she got. So we started sending her to theater camps. The first, a rather well-known name in the Twin Cities, was … well, a bit of a dud. She thought it was OK, but nothing too exciting. I began worrying that I was, indeed, pushing her into something she wasn’t really all that keen on. But then Chanhassen started performing "Cats," Lilly’s favorite musical, so of course, we had to go. We lucked into incredible seats, on a main aisle very close to the stage. And, in typical CDT style, many of the cats came out into the house, interacting with the audience. Lilly was around nine at the time, and about as wide-eyed as she could be. She was right on the aisle they were using to enter and exit the stage, and one of the cats stopped next to her, crouching down and pretending to rub her face against Lil’s arm. That did it. Lil was hooked. (I honestly don’t know whether to thank or curse that cat!) Lil’s biggest dream became to work at or for CDT. We learned about CDT’s First Act theatre camp that night, and that summer signed her up for her first session. She’s gone every summer since, loving every minute and giving us almost a moment by moment account of her experience each day when she comes home. It was through First Act that we got to know Michelle Barber, the director of both First Act and Performance Training. She “made the mistake” of mentioning at camp one time that she offers private voice lessons, so I contacted her about them. Things got a bit discombobulated, and it was over a year later that we finally actually managed to connect. By that time I had come to the conclusion that I could use lessons, too. As I watched my daughter grow and develop, singing with no fear and great joy, I realized that, somehow, I needed to recapture that joy and fearlessness for myself. I had to get past my fear of singing if I was going to become a priest. Or at least I needed to know that I couldn’t, and let any future parish know that, to have a truly celebratory service, we needed to either skip the singing or bring in a cantor! Michelle graciously agreed to take on not only Lil’s education, but Mom’s phobia, too. Less than a year into those lessons and I’m actually committed to singing a solo in front of my church! (Michelle says I actually have a voice, so I’m trusting her on that one.) I’ve come a long way, thanks to her patience and humor. All of this would probably have come to a logical conclusion soon, if it weren’t for the "Pirates of Penzance." What, pray tell, do fictional pirates have to do with any of this? Everything. See, Lilly’s middle school decided to perform "Pirates of Penzance" for their annual musical this year, and Lil auditioned. She was cast as Mabel, the female lead. Suddenly all the fun I had in high school productions came rushing back to me, especially as I attended rehearsals, helping with costumes and providing snacks. Now, some might put this down to mid-life crisis. I’m not certain I would argue. But I have suddenly found myself stymied in my process of discernment for priesthood, and everywhere I turn I’m being reminded of how much I enjoyed the theater. Even my church has started asking if I would revive the old acting troupe. So I need to do something. I need to find out just what part of the theater experience I truly love, be it backstage, onstage or front of stage. Is it the acting, the directing, the writing, or just observing? Do I want to actually become active in it again, and, if so, do I really have what it takes to do that? What passed as talent in my childhood may well not measure up in adult life. What if it does? Am I willing to make the changes and take the chances it would require to act on it? I honestly don’t know the answers to these questions, but I am very serious about finding out. I asked Michelle what she would recommend for a 45 year old interested in exploring acting again. She suggested some classes, either through Performance Training or another theater. I tried a short class at the other theater, and found myself, of all things, rather bored. What a surprise! I really enjoyed the people in the class, but found the class itself very non-challenging. I definitely did not find any of the answers I was looking for there. But I did learn that I could do the exercises and activities asked of me in the class without overwhelming fear, so I did learn something. Just not what the instructor claimed to be teaching. So back I went, and talked to Michelle about CDT’s Performance Training (PT). My biggest concern is that it seems to have quite the emphasis on dance, and, while I did take tap and ballet in kindergarten, I’ve done nothing since. And I’m not certain how my body will react. Michelle assured me that Heidi, the dance instructor for the course, is excellent at working with a person at whatever level he or she can handle. After further discussion, Michelle offered her professional opinion that she felt PT would be right for me, and, more important to me, that I would be right for PT. So, that, in a rather long-winded way, is the reason I’m signed up to attend Performance Training at CDT. Why am I journaling about it? Simple. I love to write. And, by writing about it, I force myself to look at my experience from more than one angle. I have to step out of myself, as it were, and look at my experience through candid, almost impersonal eyes. There is no doubt that PT will be a challenge for me. If for no other reason than that I will have to sing in front of someone beside Michelle and Lil. In taking this class, I’m actually facing 3 fears – singing in public, examining and possibly releasing a long-cherished dream, and a fear of success. That’s right. I’ve managed to fail enough through my lifetime that I no longer really fear failure. But to succeed – now that can be terrifying. To fail means little more than letting go of something you never really had to begin with. To succeed means the opportunity to add something to your life. And adding something invariably changes everything. Am I ready for that kind of change? I have no idea. The only thing I can do right now is learn what sort of change I might have waiting for me. Regardless of what I learn at PT, I 'will' learn something. And that something will be valuable. At the very least, I’m pretty certain I won’t be bored. _______________________________________________________________________________ Feb. 29, 2008: LEAP DAY - Friday before Performance Training Starts - I can’t believe I’m actually going to do this! It’s only fitting that this is leap year. A friend once told me that one thing we as humans must constantly do is find our “edges” – those places that define the boundary between comfortable and challenging. And then, once we find our edge, step over it, into the unknown. My friend likes to find her edges and carefully slip a toe over, testing the waters, as it were. I, on the other hand, tend to leap the second I can see an edge, seeking to get that “uncomfortable” stage over with as quickly as possible. Funny, I used to be the same way about getting into a chilly swimming pool. While my friends and fellow swimmers eased themselves slowly into the water, I would jump or dive in, getting it over with as quickly as possible. For me, taking Performance Training is a huge leap out of my comfort zone. I did try my friend’s “toe over the edge” approach when I took the 90 min class at another theater. But that really didn’t do much for me. So, leaping it is. Why is PT such a leap? The only “comfortable” thing for me will be the fact that it’s at Chanhassen. I love the feel of that place. Everything else, even the fact that I know and like one of the instructors, is challenging. The only time I’ve ever had my acting ability evaluated was the summer between high school and college. That evaluation said, basically, great – but… . Will it be the same this time? Or have I outgrown whatever talent that evaluator saw? I’ve managed to keep some confidence through the years in my acting ability. Will I now learn that was unfounded? What if it wasn’t? What Pandora’s box, if any, will that open? We already know about my singing phobia. It’s getting MUCH better, thanks to Michelle. But I still haven’t had to perform in front of anyone except her and my daughter. Part of my phobia stems from blowing a high school talent show audition (long story). I know full well that to defeat the phobia completely, I have to successfully perform for an audience. Talk about WAY beyond my comfort zone! And I haven’t even mentioned the dancing! Granted, I did take tap and ballet - in kindergarten. Since then, the only dancing I’ve done has been on horseback. Any time I try to dance I get the image of the hippo ballerinas in Fantasia. Either that or the newborn foals I used to work with, all limbs and bumbling, trying to figure out how to work those legs while balancing that heavy head on that wobbly neck. Cute in a newborn, not so much in a human adult. If I allow myself to really think about what I’m getting ready to do, I can feel the panic starting. A million different “I can’t do this because…” fly through my mind. While I am, at heart, a friendly, open and very social person, life and time have taught me to be rather shy and very self-contained. Joining any new group of people is daunting to me. And I’m about to face major personal challenges in the midst of a group I have no advanced knowledge of. The nature of the class will require that I allow myself to be open and take risks. I don’t do either easily. So why the heck am I doing this? I can come up with tons of reasons not to. I think I need to look at my reasons TO take this class: • It’s time for some answers. I’m tired of wondering, of the “what ifs”. I’m at a point in my personal development where I’m strong enough for whatever answers may come. It’s time for a more complete defining of just who I am. • I’ve always harbored a dream of being an actress – of stepping out on stage and taking the audience on a journey. At one point I was told I actually was capable of doing that, but I shrugged it off, confident in a call to a different path. I know it was the right decision at the time. But now is a different time. And I am a different person. What is my path now? • Until recently, my health has kept me very sidelined. I had to give up horses, being active. I was lucky to have the energy to get up and get to work each day. Just in the past year or so have we gotten enough control over my various conditions to be able to go beyond that and challenge my body. To me, this class seems a good, controlled way to “push my physical boundaries”. I may well find that I can’t do nearly as much as I’d like. I may actually find that I am able to do far more than I’ve allowed myself. The only way to know which way it will go is to try. • The best way to stay “young”, the experts say, is to try something new. I am by no means old. And I don’t want to get that way. This is something new – a new and challenging experience I’ve never before attempted. I may flop completely. I may shine. I will most likely do something in between. Regardless of the outcome, I will grow. And growth, by definition, is the creation of something new. Underneath the panic, I am, indeed, excited about this journey. I just need to remind myself of that excitement from time to time. ______________________________________________________________________________ Mar. 3, 2008: FIRST CLASS! Well, I wasn’t bored! But then, I was pretty certain I wouldn’t be. Didn’t know what traffic would be like at that time of night, so left early. Turns out it’s a lot lighter than it is when we’re trying to get there for a 6:00 seating to see a show. Got there about 15 minutes early, but was by no means the first one there. They had great signs up, showing the way to the banquet room. You did have to look a little close at them, because they said “Private Party” across the top, and then had the class name in the center with directions. If you assumed there really was a private party going on, you might not take the time to read the rest. But no one seemed lost. There are 11 of us. All women. A great variety of ages from, I think I heard, middle school, all the way up. I am not the oldest, but I am in the upper tier, if you will. All in all a great mix, with most being very open and some being very vocal. But none that seem not to fit. Unless that’s me. But it didn’t feel like it. We broke into 2 groups, so I didn’t get to learn much about the “younger” group. But our group (group 2) seemed to mesh quite well, with everything from active actresses to people just seeking to learn and move again. I’m probably the most out of shape, and definitely the most “dance-challenged”, but not once did I feel like I didn’t belong there. Which was quite the blessing. Michelle first gave the entire group a breakdown of what would be happening. We were given “beauteous” notebooks in oh so many colors to choose from. These will be our journals for the class. Note to self: bring a pen or pencil to each class! She took us upstairs to the ballroom where we will be taking the dance portion of the class. It’s actually the rehearsal space for the main stage, and was taped and vaguely set up for "42nd Street." She also showed us the stage model for the show (that’s not what it’s called, but I can’t seem to bring that word to mind right now – basically a scale model showing what the main stage will look like “all done up”.) Very cool, all in blacks and grays. She shared with us some of the director’s ideas for the staging, and how color will play a very important role in the story telling. She then told us that on the 18th and 19th of the month, we have the chance to attend the tech rehearsal of "42nd Street." I’m really looking forward to that, although Lil will be very jealous. We then broke into our 2 groups, with group 1 staying with Heidi for dance, and group 2 going back downstairs with Michelle. We first did an icebreaker, and then did a quick memory exercise. We did a conscious relaxation exercise that was basically a guided meditation and very much like one that I lead. It was great to start with something so familiar. We then worked on… one guess… yep, breathing. (If you know Michelle, that’s a no-brainer.) Still on the floor from the relaxation exercise, we chanted numbers to a piano note. I found myself much more comfortable than I expected to be, since I had done this with Michelle in our last lesson. We did more breathing exercises while standing, most of which were familiar to me. So I found this section almost comforting. Which is good, because the second hour was WAY outside my comfort zone. We started the dance portion of the night sitting on the floor, telling Heidi about our dance experience and what our goals were. I said, basically, “I took tap and ballet in kindergarten. That was 40 years ago. The only dancing I’ve done since has been on horseback. My goal is to survive.” I then explained about my fibromyalgia, and hypoglycemia. She asked if there was anything else and I said, “Yeah, but those are probably the only two that have impact on this class – except maybe the swollen throat.” Her expression was rather priceless. The rest of the class explained their levels (I’m the least experienced in the group – no surprise there), and several others had physical conditions that needed care. I think Heidi was starting to think she might want EMT’s on call! She did get us laughing, and seemed very down to earth and approachable, so that was good. We did a floor warm up and exercises, then moved to what she described as a beginner’s jazz class. After that, she started working us on some combinations. Ever feel like you’ve suddenly woken up in a world where no one speaks your language, and everyone but you knows what’s going on? Yeah. That’s pretty much how I felt. But I expected to feel that way, and remembered Michelle’s comment that Heidi was perfectly willing to work on whatever level you were capable of as long as you were willing to try. So I kept trying, regardless of how “hopeless in the back of the room with no rhythm and no co-ordination” I felt. (And yes, I felt that a LOT.) About 45 min in, my body pretty much said “enough”. I was worried that I was stopping just because we were getting into the choreography part and I was totally lost. So I tried to enter back in several times. But the bod was just DONE. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow and Wed. That will tell me just how far I pushed it. For homework, we have floor exercises to do at least once, preferably 3 times during the coming week for the dance portion, plus at least think about the choreography she was teaching us. For Michelle’s part, we have a reading we’re to work on performing, with a specific delivery type, plus we’re to observe an animal. I’m not going to go into detail here (you’ll learn more later). I’m thinking of using the ferret that I’m doing hospice for, but he mainly sleeps. I’ll have to see if I can get more from him than that. (I’ve actually typed the last few paragraphs with him trying to sleep with his head either on the keyboard or on one of my hands. He’s draped across the back of my left hand right now. A challenge to typing, but the warmth feels very good on my hand! What did I learn tonight: • The way I view myself when it comes to movement hasn’t changed since I was very young. I still feel hopeless and “challenged”. And the memories of being yelled at for my lack of grace can get rather overwhelming at times. • When Heidi could see that I was lost she would slow it down and explain it better. • No one got frustrated with me not understanding. • I feel in over my head, but actually, deep down, also feel that I’m a good enough swimmer to at least survive the experience. In two weeks I go in early to talk to Michelle one-on-one for 15 min about goals and possibilities. (We’re all doing this one week or another.) I have nothing in particular to work on. But I do want to know if… well, a part of me would give anything to get back on stage. Another part of me thinks I’m crazy. Do I really want to know the truth about my ability or lack thereof? Deep down, yes. Can I let it go if I’m no good? I think so. One way or another, things will change. And it’s time. _______________________________________________________________________________ Mar. 4, 2008: So, now that I’ve had a day to process, how did I like the class? Well, I can definitely state that I wasn't bored! If the class I took at the other theater was like being stuck on a kid's pony ride, last night was like being placed on a horse I'm not 100% certain I'm actually qualified to handle. But the only way to find out is to finish the ride or be thrown. And I haven't been thrown in a long, long time. Actually, I enjoyed most of it. Thank heavens we started with Michelle first! Had we moved straight to the dance, I might have run screaming about halfway through. Every nightmare I've ever had about being the dorky kid in the back with no co-ordination or sense of rhythm came flooding back and seemed to hold true. Heidi is wonderful, so that helped. But halfway through, I was pretty lost, and by the time she started choreographing on the fly, my body had quit and my mind was not far behind. I kept trying to re-enter the action, thinking that I was giving up too easily. But I couldn't. So am I lost because I'm truly unable to follow, or am I unable to follow because deep down I don't believe I can? That's the question I'll be trying to answer in the next few classes. The good news is, although I'm pretty sore today, I haven't had a fibro flare yet. Tomorrow will be the true test, since I tend to have a 2 day window between trigger and flare. If I don't flare from this, then, even if I do get "thrown", it will have all been worth it to learn the truth of that improvement! Mar. 10, 2008- Class 2 CHALLENGES FACED AND ANALYZED. One woman got shifted to the “younger” group, and one woman was sick, so it was just 4 of us in the group tonight. And, oh joy of joys, we got to start with dance. I just have to say that 1) Heidi is wonderful. I couldn’t ask for a better person to be working with right now. And 2) It was better this week. Not good. But better. I was familiar with the stretches and isolations, so the fact that I couldn’t hear her over the music wasn’t as big of a deal this time. I was also ready for the emotional onslaught, unlike last week. And it did come. But not as loudly or as constant as last week. I spent a good part of the class analyzing what I was doing and how I was reacting. I began to realize that part of my problem is that, by the time we’re through with warm ups and stretches and ready to start choreography, I’m beat. I also spend a lot of time thinking “Huh?” as she uses vocabulary that is basically Greek to me. (I’m sure it’s actually French, but you get the drift.) So I’m trying to translate mentally and physically. No wonder I’m so confused! And I’m allowed to not know this stuff. I’ve never been taught it. (I need to remind myself of this. Otherwise I get very frustrated with myself for not being “perfect.”) I decided that asking for one-on-one time with Heidi would be a good idea. Bless her heart, she didn’t even hesitate when I asked if I could meet with her next week after Michelle to try learning the choreography when I’m fresh. Plus at a much slower speed. We tried a jazz walk today, and for some reason I can’t seem to walk with my opposite leg/shoulder working together. If my right leg goes forward, my right shoulder does, too. I guess I’m a pacer, rather than a trotter! (Horse reference, sorry. There will probably be a lot of those.) It did help when she compared the movement to that of a cat. Animals I can do. Hmmm. Cats pace, especially when stalking. Sorry. I’m easily distracted when tired. So I survived dance. And in much better shape than last week. It’s a good start. The one on one with Heidi next week should be what I need to know for certain what’s inability and what’s disbelief. We will be trying some tap next week. One of the other women was wonderful enough to offer to bring in some old tap shoes of hers that might fit me. I’m amazed at how open and friendly the entire class is. The second half with Michelle was as challenging, in its way. But a challenge I expected and was ready for. The relaxation went well. After that we worked on singing. Both as a group and individually. I managed to sing a scale solo, which was a big step for me. I was still having a little trouble catching my breath from dance. I was surprised Michelle didn’t dink me on it, but maybe she knew the challenge it would be for me to sing at all in front of the group. We’re learning “I’m in Love with a Wonderful Guy” from South Pacific. Michelle has divided it up so that we’re each singing solo lines. And she’s starting with me. I’m not sure if that’s happenstance, confidence, or challenge. But I managed to sing my lines, despite not really knowing the song. We’re supposed to practice at home this week. I need to find a copy of the song so that I can hear it a few more times to get the melody. I don’t play piano and I don’t read music that well, so I need all the help I can get! Michelle did say we could bring a tape recorder to get the accompaniment. I’ll have to see if I can find one. One person did her animal. I guess I should explain that. We are supposed to be observing an animal, ascribing emotions to its movements. In class we will be acting out our observations, becoming the animal and using our bodies to portray what we’ve observed. We’re not supposed to talk it through, just become the animal we’ve been observing. I’ve been observing Whisper, our little hospice ferret with cancer. I think I’ll lay my coat down on the floor to stand for a human hand and arm. I’m not 100% certain I can get my body to do what I need it to do to really represent him, but I’ll do what I can. For homework we’re supposed to continue our animal observations, and pick a person to observe, also. I stayed after class for a few minutes to show Michelle pics from Lil’s play. It was so fun to talk to someone who knows Lil and knows theater. She also had some very comforting words for me about my challenges with the dance section. What did I learn tonight? • I can sing in front of someone other than Michelle and my daughter without completely falling apart! • Some of my challenges with the choreography portion of the dance class may be as simple as being too tired to process effectively. • Heidi and Michelle are truly wonderful people who want everyone to succeed to the best of their abilities, and good enough teachers to help us do that. I just realized something. I’m very glad I’m taking this class. Even happy about it. Regardless of the outcome. Pretty cool. ______________________________________________________________________________ Mar.5, 2008: STILL NO FLARE! Oh, if only this will continue to hold true! What a world of possibilities it could open. I’ve been thinking more about the dancing. I’m still not certain if my reaction was legitimate or just the result of being blindsided by a lot more emotion than I expected. I was actually almost in tears a couple of times on the way home. My goal for the next few classes is to discover if I’m having trouble because I’m so inexperienced in dance, or if I just don’t believe I can do it, so of course I can’t. If I’m still feeling the same way after next week’s class, I’ll ask Heidi if it’s possible to meet with her early the following week. I have my one-on-one with Michelle at 6:15, and then am free until class at 7. Maybe Heidi could meet with me then, going through the choreography with me more slowly when I‘m fresh, so that I can actually pick it up. That way I’ll have the best possible chance to actually learn, and should be able to discover for certain if it’s lack of experience, lack of energy, lack of ability, or lack of belief causing the problems. _______________________________________________________________________________ Mar. 11, 2008: EXPLORING MY BEST. Today at work, I was doing a lot of serious lifting. I moved around 2000 pounds of dog food, cat food and cat litter 20-40 pounds at a time. This is a pretty typical Tuesday for me. This sort of work doesn’t take much brain power, just muscle, so the mind gets the chance to wander. As is its habit lately, it wandered in the direction of PT, especially the emotions the class has been triggering. In the course of this wandering, I realized that one of my issues is wanting to be perfect, not being willing to try full out if I’m not 100% certain of the quality of the outcome. That’s when my favorite movie line of all time popped into my mind: “There’s a big difference between being THE best and being YOUR best. Trying to be THE best, that’s crazy. It’s someone else’s opinion. But being YOUR best, that’s something only you can decide.” This is a paraphrase of a little known Disney made-for-TV movie called “Gotta Kick It Up!” It’s one of my favorite movie lines ever, and one I easily forget about. I was raised to believe anything less than perfection was worthless. It was made very clear to me, often and sometimes painfully, that I was far from perfect, and would always be so. Thus, by definition, I, too, was worthless. I still fight with that. Especially in class. If it’s not perfect, I don’t want to attempt or present it, because it will only be rejected. That’s, of course, NOT what’s happening. Michelle and Heidi are about as supportive as any two people can be. So are the rest of the women in the class. It’s just how my psyche is reacting. No, I’ll probably never be the best dancer or the best singer in the group. But am I being MY best? No, I don’t think so. Why? It’s hard to put into words. Part of it is the ingrained belief that lack of perfection is … wrong, unacceptable, worthless, perhaps even dangerous. Part of it is a fear of rejection. Part is a fear of actually confirming my worthlessness. And part is habit. But, by not being my best and doing my best, I’m not only cheating myself out of achieving the best that I can, I’m doing both teachers an injustice, devaluing what they are offering me. They are, without a doubt, doing their best. Shouldn’t I be doing the same? Yes. I should. My goal for the next class? Bring my best. And see what happens. _____________________________________________________________________________ Mar. 15, 2008: MEETING “The Wall." Whew, what a week! Between class, work, meetings, and my daughter’s Regional History Day competition, I’ve barely had a moment or two to think. I did manage to get one and a half sets of exercises done. That’s when I realized that I have reached “The Wall”. As I understand these things, when normal muscle exercises, the fibers begin breaking down. The muscle then goes through a rest and recovery phase, usually taking from overnight to a few days, depending on how extreme the exercise was, to rebuild stronger and more flexible. When muscles affected by Fibromyalgia exercise, they also break down, but they take much longer to recover, often 4 or 5 times as long. For me, at least, it feels almost as if I’ve used up all available muscle energy, and have to wait for it to build up again. Often exercise that wears out my muscles also triggers a “flare” - two or more days of moderate to extreme pain running throughout the entire body. The great news is, after two classes, I’m still having no flares! I’m sore for a day or two, but that’s all. That’s a major improvement for me. The not-so-great news is that I’ve finally “hit the wall” - reached the point where all the muscles I’ve been challenging feel like … Well, have you ever been swimming and playing in the water all day, then pulled yourself up on dry land? You know how your body feels then, twice as heavy as usual, and all movements seem slow and labored? That’s how I feel now. I’ve been trying to push through it, but I think now discretion is the better part of valor. In other words, it’s time to allow myself to rest. At least as much as schedule and work allow. I’ve been doing my best to follow Michelle’s advice to the group for keeping our voices healthy. Lots of water I’ve been good about. Rest and not talking in loud situations - yeah, not so good on those! (We won’t tell her about all the cheering at History Day!) My voice seems OK despite it. I did manage to find not only a vocal version of “Wonderful Guy” available for download, but a karaoke version also. So I’ve been practicing when I can. I also broke down and got a pair of actual dance shoes. If I’m making a commitment to doing my best, I need to give myself the best possible chance to succeed. I have to admit getting them felt a little like putting racing shoes on a plow horse! But even plow horses can have grace. After all, that’s what they bred with thoroughbreds and Arabians to develop the breeds so popular these days for jumping and dressage. I’m starting to get a touch nervy about the interview with Michelle. (Nervy about what I will find out, not the fact that it’s with Michelle.) Each of us meets privately with her for 15 min. We can bring questions and projects to work on, or bring nothing and just talk about what’s going on. I have nothing to bring as far as projects go. I’m hoping to find out 1) do I have enough…whatever… to try pursuing some form of acting, and 2) if I do, how do I go about starting. What if the answer to #1 is no? I’m not sure. I think I’ll worry about leaping off that edge when and if I get to it. I know that Michelle will be honest with me. All I can really do is just be open and absorb whatever‘s said. Try not to anticipate anything. And, of course, bring my best. (My new mantra!) _____________________________________________________________________________ Mar. 17, 2008: CLASS 3 Pandora’s Box Opened. What an incredible night! I’m totally exhausted and 'really' sore, but I brought my best! First, the interview with Michelle. Without going into too much detail, she basically said yes, you can do this and recommended that I try my hand at some of the regional/community theaters. She gave me three different audition monologues to try, wanting me to have at least one memorized by the end of the classes. She also suggested that, when singing lessons start again, we make mine half singing and half acting. She had lots of wonderful things to say, and each one was greatly appreciated. She even had suggestions of what theaters to try. She basically said everything I was secretly hoping she’d say without allowing myself to believe that she actually would. What a gift! After that I went upstairs to see Heidi. She had actually forgotten that we were going to meet early, but had come in early due to the weather, so it all worked out for the best. She was wonderful to work with one on one, very patient and calm, answering my questions without making me feel like an idiot for asking them. We went through the choreography very slowly, ironing out confusions and problems. She pushed me gently when I needed it and backed off when I got frustrated. I 'think' I finally got the choreography down. We’ll see when I try it here at home in a day or two. Then it was back down to Michelle to start class. We did our floor relaxation, followed by chanting. We worked “Wonderful Guy” a little, and then moved on to our animals. That was really fun, observing what each person did. It was a little funny that everyone except me did a cat. I guess I’m a little too much of a writer. I wanted my animal to have a full story - beginning, middle, and end. Michelle just wanted the emotion. Not next week, but the following, we’re to “humanize” the animal and the emotion. Why not next week? Michelle won’t be there. She has an obligation elsewhere that night, so Michael Brindisi, the artistic director of CDT (who also happens to be her husband), will take her place, teaching an audition workshop. I’m really looking forward to that! We’re also supposed to begin our observations of a person, and bring in up to 3 items that that person would use or have. I was going to do my daughter, but I just realized that I will have been down to Texas for spring break by then, visiting family, so I might actually do my father. We’ll see. One of the women has an audition this week, so Michelle had her sing her audition piece for us. She has a wonderful voice that she lacks confidence in. Which is kinda funny, because of all the people in my group, she’s one of two that I would never have pegged for that kind of insecurity. She projects such confidence in everything else, and she has such a good voice. In the process of talking to her about it, Michelle “outed” me, talking about my singing phobia and how it causes me to close up the way I sing. Not sure exactly why that was brought up, but I didn’t mind. Nothing she said wasn’t true! I just hope it helped. We then did another exercise. The most fascinating and instructive thing for me in this exercise was actually watching Michelle. Watching her jump from character to character and scenario to scenario was a real treat, and a real eye-opener. It wasn’t just her face or carriage that change. The very air around her seemed affected, allowing me to see the crowd jostling her, the buildings awing her. Quite amazing! Once again I was putting too much into mine. I need to keep it focused more on the character and less on the story. We ran long, and ended up with Group 1 watching the end of our class. We then headed up to dance. It was about this time that I realized I was in a little trouble. I had been so nervy about tonight that I had been unable to eat dinner. Not a good idea when you suffer from chronic low blood sugar. I ended up downing two glucose tablets during Michelle’s section, and took them up with me to the ball room. I started slurring my words, which told me that my blood sugar was lower than I had thought, so took one more. We started at the ballet bar, doing some ballet exercises. I actually found those the easiest to handle of all we’ve done. Heidi kept an eye on me, correcting as needed. We then did a little floor work, and started on the choreography for the dance. About 5 min into this, I noticed the room starting to spin and sat down. I returned to the group after a little bit, and did a little more work, but ended up having to sit out the last 5 min or so. Even sitting out so much, I still must have gotten a significant workout, because I am SORE! Especially my right hip and thigh. If this doesn’t trigger a flare, I don’t think anything this class throws at me will. Luckily tomorrow at work we get a large dog and cat food shipment in. I can work out some of the soreness putting that away. What did I learn tonight? • I CAN learn choreography when I’m fresh and not frustrated. I’m not overly good at it at this point, but I could feel and see distinct improvement. • I wish I could have participated fully in the end of the dance class when we put all the new and old choreography together. (Wow! I think that may be the first time ever that I wished I could have danced! Heidi, you‘re incredible!) • There’s nothing talent-wise stopping me from trying to get on stage again. • There aren’t enough positive words in the English language to describe Michelle and Heidi and their commitment to this class and everyone who takes it. • I’m not the only one with vocal insecurities. • Ballet exercises at the bar may seem easy, but they sure take it out of me! • I’m good at observing and interpreting. • Not eating before class is NOT A GOOD THING! For the next week, I’ll be trying to work on the choreography, attending the Wed. night tech rehearsal, observing Whisper more, and reading through the audition pieces Michelle gave me. Should be a fun week! ____________________________________________________________________________ Mar. 20, 2008: GO SEE "42nd Street!" Last night was the "42nd Street" tech rehearsal. First, I just have to say, if you’re reading this while "42nd Street" is still playing - GO SEE IT!! Even “unfinished” the dance numbers are incredible. And the set and costumes are gorgeous. I love the way this one is cast, and can’t wait to see the finished product! It was their first rehearsal with complete costumes and mics, so not everything went smoothly, to say the least. Watching how they handled all the challenges with professionalism and humor was amazing. Nothing seemed to really phase them. There was no yelling or negativity at all. No one blamed anyone for anything. Problems were simply things you experienced and dealt with. And laughed about. A lot. Ah, the joy of true professionals! Michelle came over and spoke with us about what all was going on and who was who before the rehearsal started, and again at intermission. She shared some of the “fun” occurring backstage, especially during one particularly difficult and quick costume change all the girls do. It was a great glimpse into the inner workings of professional theater. I learned some more about myself last night, too. I keep forgetting just how much I enjoy watching big tap dancing production numbers, and I have absolutely no desire to be in one. There are plenty of musicals out there I would love to try to be in, once this silly singing phobia is dealt with, but this is not one of them. Not because I don’t like it. Quite the opposite - I greatly enjoyed it. But as much as I enjoy watching those numbers, I have no need to be in one. And that’s OK. _______________________________________________________________________________ Mar. 21, 2008: SNOWY DAY MAUNDERINGS. Staring out the window at the beautiful scene of snow covered trees and houses, my mind wandered down its current favorite path, thinking about class. And I remembered something that I had wanted to make certain to put in my journal, so that I would remember it when and if I decided to audition for a show. During last Monday’s class, Michelle talked to us briefly about auditions and said something I’ve never really thought about before. The people running the auditions aren’t there in the hopes that we’ll crash and burn. They 'really' want us to be good. VERY good. They NEED us to be good. After all, the better we are, the better the show is. It’s a novel way of looking at it. They’re not there to judge us. They’re there hoping we’ll be exactly what they need. So instead of entering an audition with the idea of being judged, we should enter the audition knowing that they really WANT us to be good, and doing our best to fulfill that. For me, at least, that takes a heck of a lot of pressure off. ______________________________________________________________________________ Mar. 24, 2008: Class 4 - OH, MY HEAD! Today started out rough - I woke up with a baby migraine that never really wanted to go away. I considered not going to class, actually, but I’ll be missing next week due to a spring break trip to visit family in Texas, so decided to tough it out and go. Contrary to what was said last week, we had dance first. Luckily I had arrived somewhat early, because Heidi, bless her heart, had come in early to work with me again. We practiced the choreography we worked on last week, and I actually felt rather comfortable with it! We then added the last section that we didn’t have time to go over last week, with several of the other members of my group joining us. Despite my head, I really found myself beginning to enjoy it. Then we started the actual class. Once again we worked ballet. I find these exercises deceptively easy. Easy to do, but really working my body. Though I didn’t end up as sore this week! Then came the words I least wanted to hear -“OK, time to try some tap. Get your tap shoes on if you have them.” NOT the words you want to hear with a baby migraine on board! I worked through it regardless. I was doing OK with the steps until she started combining them. Then I pretty much got lost. Surprisingly, at least to me, I found I did much better if I couldn’t see myself in the mirrors. I wasn’t as self-conscious about what I was doing. After “torture by tap”, we did what Heidi called some movement improv. We stood in a circle, and had to keep our focus on Heidi. When she made eye contact with us, we were to mirror her and her actions as totally as possible. I found this exercise REALLY fun and fascinating. It wasn’t tons different than some of the exercises we did in the other theater class that I took, but I enjoyed this one much more. Heidi actually challenged us, making large obvious movements and mixing in small, more subtle movements and expressions. I hope we get the chance to do this again! It was fun to watch AND fun to participate in. Next we had our audition workshop with Michael Brindisi, Artistic Director of CDT. Wow, was that packed with great information! Michael first told us what he looks for in an audition, and in what order. Skill was actually last on the list. Likeability, honesty, intelligence all ranked higher. He wants an actor to come to an audition well prepared. No tricks, just be yourself. After all, what you present is what they are hiring. Do you really want to keep up a false front through weeks of rehearsal? He also showed us examples of good and not so good head shots and resumes. As with any profession, certain courtesies and skills apply. There’s lots of “insider” information that help an actor get a “leg up” on the competition, as it were. Michael shared with us the nuts and bolts of what to have in what he called our “professional kit”, basically what we should bring to every audition. He also shared experiences, both good and bad, that he has had during auditions, great examples of what to or NOT to do. Michael is a VERY good presenter, very genuine and fun to listen to. I must admit to finding myself feeling overwhelmed and under-qualified for a while. Then I sternly reminded myself that 1) I’m just starting out. I don’t have to “have it all” right now. And 2) I’m not currently looking at doing this professionally. I’m starting out with community theater to find out if this is something I really like. I’ll still follow Michael’s audition advice to present a professional front, but I don’t have to BE a professional. I did speak with Michael after class to ask about how to write up a resume for someone who is just starting out. He gave me great, logical advice and made me feel much better about it all. What did I learn this week? 1) Never attend a tap class with a migraine! 2) I'm not totally hopeless when it comes to dance. 3) Either staple or glue your resume to your head shot. Or have it printed directly on the back of the head shot. Don’t rely on paper clips. 4) Never pull a knife on the director in your audition. 5) My goals with acting are being better defined each week. 6) Make certain your head shot actually looks like you. 7) Once you’ve learned your monologue, practice it with lots of distractions, until you know it so well nothing can throw you. 8) Be VERY NICE to the person who answers the phone to set up your audition. For some directors, that person’s opinion is very important. 9) Above all, be yourself in an audition. That’s really what they want to see. Unfortunately, I will be missing next week’s class. My goal is to have at least one of my monologues memorized by the time I come back. There’s an audition in late April that I might just try for. We’ll see. ______________________________________________________________________________ Mar. 27, 2008: BAD NEWS, GOOD NEWS. Well, it turns out that “baby migraine” was actually the precursor of a rather nasty sinus infection. So, we cancelled our trip south. Bit of a bummer, I must admit. But we’ll do our best to carve out a week or two to visit this summer. The good news is that this means I won’t be missing Monday’s class, provided my head settles by then. I’m almost as happy about that as I am sad about not seeing my parents and assorted siblings. We may try to see “42nd Street” next week, too. Oh, and one other piece of good news: At the doctors’ yesterday I discovered that I’ve lost 8 pounds since starting this class! Nice side benefit! ________________________________________________________________________________ Mar. 31, 2008 TO GO OR NOT TO GO, THAT IS THE QUESTION. After a week that included not being able to take our planned Spring Break trip, a trip to the ER caused by 5 migraines in 2 days followed by countless rebound headaches, and an early April Fool’s snow storm on the very day of class, I wasn’t all that certain I should actually be attending. But, boy, am I glad I did! Admittedly, I was a bit out of balance, having spent the last 4 days either in bed or the recliner. But I had FUN! With the snow and all I didn’t arrive as early as I would have liked, but it turned out for the best. One of the women from group 1 was practicing tap with Heidi. I decided that that would be a perfect litmus test for the old head. And it didn’t really bother me, although Heidi was nice enough not to ask our group to do tap. We started with her this week. She brought in dance vocabulary sheets, and we began class with a quick run through the sheets, as she demonstrated each step, by request of one of our group members. I was very grateful she made that request, since it would never have occurred to me in my current state. We then did some easy stretching and movement, followed by concentrating on the choreography for our dance. I don’t know if it’s just because we’ve been to 5 classes now or what, but there’s a comfort level this group has reached that I just find amazing! We’re now teasing each other and Heidi, asking for help when needed, helping each other as we can. It’s just a great group to be in! (And this coming from the person whose group skills are not all that well developed!) I think I’m really going to miss them once this class is over. We more than doubled our choreography tonight. I have no clue if I’ll remember most of it, but we really got a lot done! And I even managed to contribute! Something I would never have believed possible in dance! We had a sticky spot in the choreography having to do with getting a chair off set. I saw a possibility, suggested it, and it worked. Pretty cool. The old director in me sneaking out, I guess. The coolest part to me was that Heidi has gotten me comfortable enough with her that I didn’t hesitate or worry about suggesting it. But I think my favorite part of the dance tonight was actually watching Heidi. She was having so much fun finally being allowed to push the choreography and give it the shape she wants. After dance we went to Michelle. I love the way Michelle teaches. She challenges you without ever once making you feel like you’ve failed or aren’t good enough as you are. You occasionally have to push her to get a clear explanation, but not often. And she’s always so positive. Not in a sappy or irritating way, mind you. It’s not so much an attitude as a way of being, if that makes sense. For next week, we are to observe our person, decide what animal they remind us of, and bring in at least one item (eventually we’ll need 3) that that person would use. I’m not going to say here who I’m choosing, since they may read this and alter what they do. But I do have a person in mind, know the animal, and at least 2 items. And since we can’t make the Texas trip, hubby, daughter and I are going to see “42nd Street” tomorrow night! Can’t wait to see the “finished” piece. It’s gotten some pretty stellar reviews. What did I learn this week? • Migraines stink. • Although the jury’s still out on how I feel about dancing, I’m really enjoying the dance class itself. • 4 days in bed does not adequately prepare you for a PT class. • So far, only one person in class has discovered this journal. (At least that I know of.) • I need a lot more work on the choreography at speed, but it’s improving. • One day I WILL master the blasted jazz square. • I’m over-thinking the acting. Again. • I think I’d really like to try singing in front of this group. (MAJOR breakthrough!) Oh, and we had a GREAT piece of news tonight. The woman in my group who had the audition two weeks ago got in! As a named character, no less! We were all thrilled (but not too surprised) to hear it and are trying to figure out how to get a road trip together to go see it this summer. Maybe we won’t lose touch after all. _____________________________________________________________________________ Apr. 2, 2008 LIKE A BROKEN RECORD. I must repeat myself. Go See "42nd Street”! We saw it last night, and it lived up to all expectations. The few questions I had after the tech rehearsal were answered, and all to the positive. (Although I have to admit to missing a few of the funnier “oops” that we saw at rehearsal.) I enjoyed it in rehearsal, I LOVED it in performance. Go. You’ll be glad you did! It was fascinating to see the subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) changes that had been made between the tech rehearsal and performance, and the differences it made. Because of the vocabulary lesson in the last class, more of the tap terms and actual steps made sense to me. And because we had worked some tap, my admiration and respect for the “hoofers” soared to new heights. Lil’s new dream role is “anything in ‘42nd Street’.” When I mentioned that she’d have to learn a lot of tap, her response was “But that would be part of the fun!” Good answer! ______________________________________________________________________________ Apr. 8, 2008 FRUSTRATION. What a difference a week makes! No snow, no migraine, no visits to the ER. You’d think the stage would be set for a perfect class experience! Unfortunately, that didn’t seem to be the case. I managed to arrive about 15 min early, and went upstairs immediately to work with Heidi. I was hoping to work on really nailing the choreography, but Heidi went straight to figuring out what my dance solo would be. Looking back on it, that was probably a good move on her part, since I could concentrate on what we were doing a lot better without anyone else in the room. I’m still feeling rather useless when it comes to the dance. I’m sure I’m doing better than I believe (I’d have to be!), but, for some reason, tonight I just couldn’t get a positive view of things. Or keep my legs unbraided. We had our dance section first again this week. I don’t know what was going on with me, but it didn’t feel anywhere near as comfortable as last week had. Was that because we now have a “deadline” (only one class left before our “performance”)? Was it because I wasn’t allowing myself to “drop out”, and kept myself in the class for the entire time? Or was it just my attitude? I’m not certain, but, for whatever reason, it wasn’t quite as fun as it has been. At times it was as if I had never seen the choreography before. My issue, I’m sure. The “disconnect” continued through Michelle’s class, too. We started with singing. We did a short warm up and then worked on “Wonderful Guy”. I must admit to leaving class tonight very frustrated with myself. I found myself tired of feeling out of my depth and inept. I want it all to come right and I want it NOW. It just seems like I should be further along, especially in the dance, than I am. Tonight’s experience does highlight one thing. I WANT to do well. More so than I ever dreamed I would. There’s no way I’d be this frustrated with myself otherwise. I’ll be honest. There’s a small part of me that just wants to give up. Especially after a night like tonight. But a larger part of me refuses to even consider it. I don’t really need all this frustration. It’s not like what I’m doing here is critical to survival. At what point does it cost more to continue than to quit? That depends on how important this is to me. And this has become very important to me. _____________________________________________________________________________ Apr. 9, 2008 IN THE LIGHT OF A NEW DAY. Good grief! What the heck was going on with me last night? I struggled with my emotions all night. After getting Lil off to school and taking a loooong nap, I’m feeling a little more like myself. So what was happening last night? I have to keep reminding myself that I knew this wasn’t going to be overly easy. Just the singing phobia alone brings in a layer of emotions I keep forgetting about. Throw on top of that a re-emerging love of theater and a deep desire to be “good enough” to continue on with it, a week of fear and frustration as my body once again threw me a medical curve ball (and after doing SO well with the classes), and having WAY too much time on my hands to think and brood, and it’s really no wonder that I finally had a “bad night”. Looking back on it today, last night was actually not all that different from the preceding classes, other than the fact that I danced the entire dance class, instead of sitting out parts of it to catch my breath. (And that, in itself, is actually something I would normally be rejoicing about right now. I actually made it through more than an hour of dance without dropping out!) In fact, there were lots of things to celebrate last night. I not only made it through the entire dance class, I wasn’t nearly as winded for Michelle’s class as I have been. I sang out in Michelle’s class, even in the solos, and actually “let go” more than I’ve ever managed since the phobia took hold. One of my classmates even commented on it. And Michelle took credit. Which she rightly deserves and I greatly appreciate. (That may sound funny to you, but since one of the seminal moments in the development of this phobia had to do with a voice instructor getting very angry at my blowing a sung audition, to have Michelle even jokingly be willing to “take credit” for any part of my singing means a lot.) I did alright in my acting piece. I agreed to do a monologue in the final class presentation, something I‘ve never done before. All in all, there were TONS of great things that happened last night. So why the heck did I go home feeling the way did? Emotional overload. Pure and simple. I took way too much unresolved emotion in with me from the weeks before and piled on top of that the normal emotions this class has challenged me with since day one. That left me pretty unable to close the door on other ‘’nuisance” emotions that I can normally dismiss, and the whole thing came tumbling down on top of me at once. Seems pretty silly today, but that’s how emotions work sometimes. So, how do I keep this from happening again? I’ve already taken the first step of looking carefully at last night and realizing all the good that occurred, and what I can actually celebrate. I think I need to take that further by looking at my original goals for taking this class and how I’m “measuring up”. Earlier in this journal, I listed my reasons for taking this class: • It’s time for some answers. I’m tired of wondering, of the “what ifs”. I’m at a point in my personal development where I’m strong enough for whatever answers may come. It’s time for a more complete defining of just who I am. One of the biggest “what ifs” has been answered. I have enough ability to make it worth trying some auditions and seeing what happens. • I’ve always harbored a dream of being an actress – of stepping out on stage and taking the audience on a journey. At one point I was told I actually was capable of doing that, but I shrugged it off, confident in a call to a different path. I know it was the right decision at the time. But now is a different time. And I am a different person. What is my path now? This answer still remains to be seen. But at least I now have a starting point for my journey. Goal met. • Until recently, my health has kept me very sidelined. I had to give up horses, being active. I was lucky to have the energy to get up and get to work each day. Just in the past year or so have we gotten enough control over my various conditions to be able to go beyond that and challenge my body. To me, this class seems a good, controlled way to “push my physical boundaries”. I may well find that I can’t do nearly as much as I’d like. I may actually find that I am able to do far more than I’ve allowed myself. The only way to know which way it will go is to try. Needless to say, this has been a wonderful discovery. I’ve had no fibro flares at all from this class, and have actually lost weight. I’m finding myself willing to push myself more outside of the class too, so, for me, this has been a resounding success. • The best way to stay “young”, the experts say, is to try something new. I am by no means old. And I don’t want to get that way. This is something new – a new and challenging experience I’ve never before attempted. I may flop completely. I may shine. I will most likely do something in between. Regardless of the outcome, I will grow. And growth, by definition, is the creation of something new. I can’t believe the growth this class is creating, in areas I never even knew existed! I’ve learned more about myself in these past five weeks than in the preceding year. Granted, a lot of what I’m learning has little or nothing to do with theater, but that’s OK. In fact, that’s even better, as far as I’m concerned. It’s definitely been something new. My goal in for the dance section was simple: survive. I think it’s safe to say that goal’s been met and exceeded. As the line goes “I ain’t dead yet!” So, all in all, last night was actually an excellent class. And I’m still very, very glad I’m taking this class! ____________________________________________________________________________ Apr. 14, 2008 YAHOOO!!!! I’m actually having trouble getting this entry started because I can’t seem to come up with a way to convey just how FUN tonight was!! And not just giggly, goofy fun - although there was definitely a good helping of that, too. No, this was the kind of fun that fills your soul and reminds you of the true meaning of joy. It was a “perfect storm” of personalities, activities, and successes. One of those nights you file away in memory to pull out when things seem bleak. I arrived at class way early. My group had decided we would come in half an hour early to work on the choreography together. For some reason my drive tonight took about half the time it normally does, and I got there just a little after 6. Since the banquet room was still dark, I went on up to the dance room and began doing some stretches. It was nice to spend a little quiet time in there on my own, without any performance pressure. It wasn’t very long before the first of my group-mates joined me, and she asked me to help her remember the choreography. Talk about a case of the blind leading the blind! But we muddled through, and doing that really helped me work out some rough spots for myself. Then our best dancer arrived, and I got to relinquish my teacher role to her. She was wonderful, helping us figure out the steps in a slow, easy manner. Not long after this Heidi arrived, happy to see us hard at work. Our fourth group-mate made her entrance not long after, and the four of us worked for a good 20 min before class started. Michelle decided that, since we were already up there, we’d do dance first again this week. So we had another FULL hour of dance. We finally learned all the choreography, and danced it through several times. For the first time I actually began to feel like I wasn’t totally hopeless! I would still never refer to myself as a dancer, but I’m miles beyond what I was in the beginning. And the 2 best parts? I danced almost an hour and a half and stayed in the game the entire time! Yes, I’m kinda sore now, but I made it through! The other best part? Not once during the entire time did I hear that hateful voice in the back of my mind telling me what a loser and incompetent I was. Even when I goofed up. Heidi, I owe you big!!! No rest for the wicked, though. We headed down stairs for Michelle’s class. We started with “Wonderful Guy”. Despite being a tad out of breath, I managed to actually earn a “Good job!” from Michelle for my first solo. We sang it again adding over the top emotions to our lines. That is SO much fun! Once again I sang out. I was shaking like crazy by the end of the song, but I put one more nail in the phobia’s coffin! Gee, if we had 2 or 3 more weeks I might even manage a full song solo in front of them. We moved from the song to doing some improv scenes. Then we did our solo pieces. It was fun to hear everyone else’s songs and monologues. I was not as nervous as I expected to be when I got up to do my monologue, and almost nailed it. In fact, had that been an actual audition, I would have been very happy with my work! I got great comments on it and am really beginning to believe that getting on stage again might just be a possibility. Thank you, Michelle! By the time everyone had completed their solos, it was 9. Michelle asked if we wanted to stay a little later and do some cold readings. We all said yes. I have to be honest. I LOVE doing cold readings. I know that’s not the “norm”, but I’ve always loved doing that, and tonight was no exception. I think we all could have happily continued all night given the chance. What did I learn: • I CAN learn choreography and I WILL NOT be defeated by the blasted jazz square! • My best really CAN be good enough. • One of the best ways to learn really is to teach. • Improv is not necessarily my strongest suit. • I couldn’t ask for a better group of women to be learning all of this with. • Heidi and Michelle rock! • I can actually go an entire class period without hearing the “voices of my past” and all their negativity. • This whole dream of acting is not only legitimate, but quite possibly attainable. Next week’s our last week. Friends and family will join us as we present the dances, songs and solos we’ve been working on. I’ll be doing my monologue, and am actually quite excited about that. And I’ll be singing my solo lines in front of more than just my group. Scary but, I think, doable. I’m exhausted. I’m sore. But I’m very, very happy. Thanks, CDT! ____________________________________________________________________________ Apr. 21, 2008 CAN IT REALLY BE OVER? Last class. I can’t believe it. What an amazing journey these past 8 weeks have been! Tonight was “performance night”. Friends and family were invited to come and observe what we’ve been working on. My daughter Lilly and one of her friends from school came with me. We arrived about 6:30, and went straight upstairs to the ballroom. Chairs were set up for the visitors, cookies and coffee at the ready. Once again my group came in early to work on our dance. The “performance” actually went quite well. Our group dance was second on the program, so we got to “get it over with”. At least from what I could tell, it was the best we had managed to do the dance! I wasn’t nearly as nervous as I thought I’d be. I decided to trust Heidi and all the practice we’d done and just “let it fly”. Was I perfect? Of course not! But I didn’t let it throw me, and kept moving. And I actually did it - followed choreography to the best of my ability and moved to the music. In front of an audience, no less. A first for me. And once again, the dreaded “voices of my past” were silent. Even if all the rest of the class had been a bust (which it DEFINITLY wasn’t!), this Performance Training experience would be a success just for that. We each did our solo piece. I didn’t have a program in front of me, so when Michelle called for me to do mine, it came as a surprise. I didn’t feel as prepared as I would have liked. But, all to the good. I won’t always get the chance to prep as much as I’d like at an audition, so this was a good experience. I managed to do the entire piece without forgetting any lines, and staying in character for most of it. It felt a little too light and fast for me, but both Lil and my best friend (who came with her husband) said it was great. And they had both seen it before. All too soon, it was over. And we realized that we wouldn’t be seeing each other next Monday. Bummer. Major Bummer. We did exchange emails so that we could stay in touch. Hopefully we’ll get to see each other at performances or auditions. I really like all three women in my group. What neat, neat people. So, what did I learn through all this? First, about Performance Training itself: • This is not a class taught by teachers “out to make a buck.” It’s taught by people who LOVE theatre and musical theatre, and who want to share that love with others, helping them to love it, too. They want to see theatre, good theatre, thrive and grow, and offer these classes as their personal contribution to that goal. • This is not a class for someone wanting a new weapon in their “cut-throat, hit-em-before-they-hit-you” arsenal. This is a class for people who want to be their best, whatever that best may be. • You need to bring your best every night, and be willing to try. • If you already “know-it-all”, don’t bother coming. You’ll just be frustrated. But if you’re willing to learn, even willing to re-learn, you will be very happy there. The biggest lessons you’ll learn may not be about acting, singing or dancing. But they will be more valuable than you ever guessed. • If you want to experience the true “family” of theater, the teachers of CDT PT set a place for you at the table, and open their arms wide to welcome you in. At least, that’s been my experience. And about me: • I knew this class would be challenging. I had no idea it would also be freeing, frightening, frustrating, liberating, and a journey into some of the darkest places in my psyche and in my past. Nor did I realize what passion it would let loose in my life. Passion I had forgotten about, and had resigned myself to never feeling again. • My body’s not nearly as “washed up” as I thought it was. I gave the fibro every reason to flare, but I can now say I survived the entire 8 weeks with NO flaring. Again, if that were the only thing that came of this class, it would have been worth every moment and every penny. My doctor even commented on it, saying “doing what you love and what you’re meant to be doing can truly have a positive effect on the body. If your fibro’s not flaring, I’d listen to that.” • Although I didn’t have to sing a “true” solo tonight (all the singing was with over-the-top emotions, more spoken than sung), I was ready to. Without nightmares or uncontrolled shivering. And for someone dealing with a phobia, that’s saying a LOT! Why was I ready to do that? Because of Michelle and the work we‘ve done together, for certain. But also because of the three women I shared my group with. Their friendship and easy acceptance made the prospect of singing in front of them seem much less terrifying. And that translated to a greater confidence singing in front of tonight’s audience. Thank you, ladies! • My “I’m worthless and can’t do anything right” streak has very, very deep roots. But not unreachable ones. One of the most priceless gifts of this class for me was one I never even dreamed I’d been facing here - finding the origin of many of those roots. Not only finding them, but pruning them. • Dancing will never be my forte. But that doesn’t mean I’m not able to learn choreography. It was definitely a case of disbelief, not lack of ability. Yes, Heidi, you were right. And I never would have learned this without your patient but firm guidance. Combine that with my wonderful fellow class-mates, and it was the perfect recipe for me to truly learn, deep down, that I’m not the failure I was taught I was years and years ago. • I can act. The one thing I’ve believed in, deep down, all through the years, was my ability to act. It wasn’t self-delusion. Or an impossible dream. • My best really is good enough. • So am I. And so it ends. The Monday classes are no more. The weekly attempts to learn the foreign language called dance are stopped. The consistent challenge of forcing myself to make some sort of noise vaguely resembling singing in front of other people is completed. This chapter has drawn to a close. And yet, it hasn’t really. The voyage of learning that started with this class will not end so simply. Pandora’s box has indeed been opened. My deeply hidden dream of acting on stage is not so far-fetched or impossible as it seemed only 8 short weeks ago. I am, without a doubt, not the same person I was when we started. So, for me at least, this isn’t really an ending, but the start of another leg of the journey. Thank you for sharing this part of the journey with me. I hope you have enjoyed the ride as much as I have, and learned something too. It has been my pleasure and honor to share it with you. Oh, and by the way, I have my very first audition next week. Wish me luck! __________________________________________________________________________ Journal Update Thursday, Feb. 4 - Changes Hi all! It’s been almost a year since I started this journal/journey. Last March I took Performance Training as a way to learn more about myself, my joys and my goals. So what’s been happening since? In short, a LOT! It’s been a year full of firsts and learning. Just about a week after our last class, I went on my very first audition. To say I was nervous would be a slight understatement. But Michelle and PT had prepared me well, and I was as confident as I could be with my monolog. I wasn’t cast, but the director had some wonderfully positive things to say to me, giving me even more confidence to keep on trying. My first sung audition was more than a bit of a challenge. I will admit that I was literally "scared spit-less". My entire mouth and throat was Sahara-dry, and sound only came out in spurts. But I did well enough to be asked to dance (or at least attempt it) and read. I wasn’t cast, but I survived the experience, and even did it again. In all, I’ve auditioned for 10 different shows, and been cast in 3! Two of them musicals, no less! Not bad for a non-dancer with a (now ex) singing phobia. My first show was last summer. I was cast as Sylvia Potter-Porter, an "uber-socialite" in Curtain Call Theatre’s production of "Annie Get Your Gun." It was my second sung audition, and a perfect first show and first role. I mentally thanked Heidi over and over again because almost every dance number I was a part of had numerous "blasted jazz squares". By the end of the run, I was pretty comfortable with them! The best part? My daughter, Lil, was also cast in the show, as a dancing cowgirl. It was so wonderful to have her there, helping me through the rough spots and pushing me when I needed it. Plus getting to watch how much she loved what she was doing. And you know what? I loved it too. Every minute of it. Even being part of a small group singing backup to the main character in one scene. I did have one of those "Oh, my God, what the heck am I doing here?!" moments during the first performance, but, instead of shutting down, I decided to trust everything Michelle has taught me and just sang out. And it worked! Next I was cast as Mrs. Goldstein in the Lyric Arts holiday production "Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus." First callback, first role requiring an accent (Jewish German), and first show with a long run. And I mean long! 5 weeks and 24 performances total! I figured that if I still loved it after that many performances, this was the right path for me. And you know what? I did! And still do. In fact, I was having so much fun that Lil wanted to join in, too, despite being unable to audition due to scheduling conflicts. But the director was wonderful and invited her to join in as crew. She became our one and only set crew member. We both made lasting friendships, and keep in touch with several fellow cast members. And now I’m in rehearsals for The River Valley Community Theatre’s production of "State Fair." So far I'm in the adult ensemble and an "assistant food judge," with several other parts (including a few one line solos) still to be assigned. I'd love to get one of those solos. That would REALLY put the final nail in the phobia's coffin! But they won't be assigned for a while, yet. Wish me luck! And yes, Lil has also been cast in "State Fair." As a dancer. Again. It's become a bit of a family joke that she keeps getting cast for her dancing. She has almost no dance training. Ah, to be a natural mover! (Must have gotten it from her father!) Guess we'll be checking out dance lessons, too, now. I still have a few goals left to accomplish. I want to sing a solo on stage, just to prove to myself I can. I also want to have one sung audition that I can truly say I’m proud of. It will come, I know. I’ve continued my voice lessons, and I continue to work. One step, one accomplishment at a time. I'd also like a role that is truly a challenge to act, that runs through numerous emotions and transformations. I'm sure pretty much every actor wants that. I'll just have to wait and see what comes my way. So, I’ve continued learning and stretching. What have I learned? • Auditions can be nervous making, but can also be incredible experiences. My very first audition was one of those, with the director saying things like "I mean it, you’re really good. You need to keep doing this." • You can’t always tell what the director is thinking. I had one director keep me at the audition for over 3 hours, reading over and over with different partners for different roles, but didn’t cast me. Another director kept me a total of maybe 20 min, seeing me once, then sent me home. That director called me back and cast me as Mrs. Goldstein. • Having this time with my daughter has been a blast. What an incredible thing to be able to share with her. • I’ve had 3 sung auditions. I still haven't had one that I can honestly say I'm really proud of, but at least I got up in front of strangers and made some noise. All without throwing up, crying or running for my life. I keep reminding myself that I was actually cast in 2 of those productions! And each of those auditions was a distinct improvement on the last. Baby steps, but improvement nonetheless. • I can and have mastered the "blasted jazz square." Even backwards. And while I’ll never claim the title "dancer," I can at least follow choreography, learn it (albeit slowly), and execute it. More or less. (The on-going joke in my family is that I can learn and execute choreography, and then give it the full funeral rites it so richly deserves!) • I love being onstage and part of a cast. While I enjoy the tech end of things, my favorite part is indeed being onstage. Wrestling with my character, learning where to go when, changing costumes as needed. My biggest disappointment has been that shows seem to fly by. We're doing curtain calls almost before I've really realized I'm on stage. • Dreams really can come true. Not necessarily quickly or in the order envisioned, but exactly as needed. I’ve learned much more. Too much to fit in this journal. But enough to confidently say that if anyone reading this harbors a dream or goal of any kind, it's worth trying to fulfill it. Take it easy, one step at a time, but definitely find that edge and step over it. And if it involves theatre, a great first step is taking Performance Training at Chanhassen Dinner Theatres. It was worth every penny and every moment of angst. It also helped me learn and grow in ways I never dreamed I could. Thank you, Michelle, Heidi, and Jay. Thank you, Chanhassen, for being a part of helping this person's hidden dream see the light. __________________________________________________________________________ *Not her real name